Zywa Belly-lock

I keep your letter sealed
until it is too old
to wish to read it

that it could have been otherwise:
pronounced what happened
in me

I don't think what you think
of me
I only think you are
in me

I don't see what you see
in me
I only see you
growing in me

but I keep that
to myself

Poem 67
Train Amsterdam-Nijmegen, 2007-04-13

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (at home) 
 

She sighs, her body's

becoming mama, it's hard:


love every day.


Ze zucht, haar lichaamSie seufzt, ihr Körper
wordt mama, het valt niet mee:wird Mama, es ist gar schwer:
elke dag liefde.jeden Tag Liebe.

Poem H0010
Amsterdam, 2011-11-18

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Parents: mother(hood) 
 

Fall in the city:

the slanted rain is dripping --


from the running roofs.


Het herfst in de stad:Es herbst in der Stadt:
in schuine regen druppen --im schrägen Regen tropfen --
lopende daken.laufende Dächer.

Poem H0269
Train Olten-Frankfurt, 2012-02-20

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Rain / Rainbow 
Keyword: Autumn 
 

The gull does not flee

from their stench, no, it attacks --


them: the garbage bags.


De meeuw vlucht niet wegDie Möwe flieht nicht
voor hun stank, hij valt ze aan:vor ihrem Gestank, greift sie --
de vuilniszakken.an: die Müllsäcke.

Poem H0291-21
Amsterdam, 2012-04-08

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: survival (effort) 
 

The blades of grass arch

their backs over the dead track --


for when the train comes.


Over het dood spoorGrashalme krümmen
krommen grassprieten hun rug --sich über das tote Gleis --
voor als de trein komt.für wenn der Zug kommt.

Poem H0355
Amsterdam, 2012-09-14

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Fear: violence 
 

The grass grabs hold and

swims against the roaring wind --


using all its legs.


Het gras grijpt zich vastDas Gras klammert sich
en zwemt tegen de wind in --und schwimmt gegen den Sturmwind --
met al zijn benen.mit allen Beinen.

Poem H0366
Texel, 2012-10-16

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: survival (effort) 
 

The peacock's night cry.

I'm rocking the crying child --


Vague feelings of grief.


Nachtschreeuw van een pauw.Nachtschrei eines Pfaus.
Ik wieg het huilende kind --Ich wiege das Kind, das weint --
Onbestemd verdriet.Unklare Trauer.

Poem H0468
Amsterdam, 2013-06-18

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Sadness: 
 

Vividly coloured

straw flowers in the snowfield --


but they do not smell.


Levende kleurenLebhafte Farben
van strobloemen in de sneeuw --von Strohblumen im Schneefeld --
maar ze geuren niet.nur, sie riechen nicht.

Poem H0489
Amsterdam, 2013-07-03

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Goodbye: gradual 
 

A trail in the snow:

the fresh footprints of a fox --


along red spatters.


Een spoor in de sneeuw:Frische Fußspuren
verse prenten van een vos --eines Fuchses im Nachtschnee --
langs rode spatten.Mit roten Spritzern.

Poem H0537
Amsterdam, 2013-08-10

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Death: kill 
 

My room: a waste bin,

chair, chamber pot, and myself --


tossing in my bed.


Mijn kamer: een stoel,Mein Zimmer: ein Stuhl,
po en prullenbak, ikzelf --Nachttopf, Mülleimer, und ich --
woelend in het bed.mich wälzend im Bett.

Poem H0958
Amsterdam, 2014-05-29

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Home: security / comfort 
Keyword: Disease: suffer 
 

Zywa Girl's dreams put down

With my sisters I imitated
mama and her friends
By paying attention to everything

from eyebrow to footstep
every muscle under his cloak
the menu and our clothes

we let Dad, who is king
do his important job

     For so long I'm living
     without friends, without child
     I'm not smoothing out sheets

     for my Achilles, the sensitive
     hero, his divine body
     On our wedding day

     the priest didn't sprinkle holy
     water on me, he besmirched me

          with glue from the golden vessel -
          a foul mix of blood, wine
          honey, and nobody dared

          to look - under the offering table
          next to the raging fire of the funeral
          pyre he kicked me: keep quiet!

          His knife shone, I saw him pull
          at the doe that took my place

Oh, what woman didn't and doesn't
suffer from beautiful girls' dreams
put down by sneaky plans


from which she has escaped half at the utmost?

Poem 901
Amsterdam, 2016-12-18

After: Iphigeneia
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Religion: promise 
Tribute to: Euripides 
 

Zywa Unreconciled

Working for a house larger
than a couple of beds and a cooker

and for beauty
reconciling you with life

In future, the heirlooms
in the more beautiful home

of your children, but their children
shrug their shoulders

Their house is already full
with conveniences, cushions

on cushions, curtains over curtains
devices everywhere and ah

that old stuff, for a while
they show off and play with it

if they have time

Poem 1038
Amsterdam, 2017-02-18

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Inheritance 
 

Poem 1138
Amsterdam, 2017-03-06

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Violence:  
 

Zywa Breakdown

The sweat in which I wake up with a start
after the waterspout, the howling guy wires
hitting my tissues, cutting them

the wind skidding through shreds of half sail
being at the end of my powers
which are strangled by my thoughts

the fleeing madness
in which I perished
my sobbing SOS

save my soul, darn the holes
I am tired, too tired to think
and too confused to be strong

too weak to hope, too afraid
to let go - I will go down
in the depth of the whirl, I

won't get off with a fright -
short of breath I scream
for grace

Poem 1524
Amsterdam, 2017-08-17

Psalm 130: "De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine" ("Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, o Lord")
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Fear: bad dream 
Keyword: Bible^ 
 

The peaceful air is

banged black and blue by the storm --


out of the country.


De vredige luchtDer friedliche Luft
wordt door de storm bont en blauw --wird vom Sturm grün und blau raus --
het land uit gebeukt.aus dem Land gerammt.

Poem H1990
Zandvoort aan Zee, 2018-01-29

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Nature: violence 
 

Zywa Brain poisoning

The doctors jump
from the symptoms to my youth
Nothing is without cause and cohesion
is interesting

Adrenals can poison you
The twigs at the front are shrinking
there are holes in the network
the cells become islands

and you are adrift
thrown back and forth
on the waves of your emotions -
concentration is of short duration

The present passes chaotically
and the past is unreachably
waiting in the below deck
for repair of the connections

I'm so afraid
and I lash out
Yes, I must
I must relax

Poem 1862
Amsterdam, 2018-10-06

Below deck: Hippocampus
Twigs: Dendrites

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Fear: insecurity 
 

Zywa Vodka in his heart

A musician, the handsome dream
of a year ago, still in my head
lying beside me after an easy lay

in the smell of his breath
and the noose of his hand
around my neck

My love snores with tears
in his eyes, and vodka
in his heart

I get up and go
leave this hell of mine
wishing he would be a tiger

knowing I am a panther
and if I had any stripes
I would wear them with pride

Poem 1973
Amsterdam, 2018-12-11

A ruiner (Olivia) (2018)
Poem
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Goodbye: choice 
Tribute to: Olivia 
 

Zywa Forgiven

I stayed
to finish work
the corridor is dark

with familiar lights
red and blue, vigilantly
the devices are blinking

It's the last time
I'm leaving, disappointed
I write everything down

and then I tear it up
the evidence
declared unneeded

my tears have dried
I have chosen
to be who I want to be, I

choose to live

Poem 2017
Amsterdam, 2019-01-07

Acceptance of your own destiny and that of the person who treats you badly
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Choice 
Dedicated to: Libby CF 
 

Zywa I want to fly

Is there a language for
me, who I am?

I want to speak out
otherwise I cannot exist

I refuse to languish
in a corner

the filth

of what happened
not pretend that

nothing has happened
and live around it

around myself, around
the discomfort in me

about the nice experiences
which let the other ones in

the unnameable
things he did

that made me fall
without flying

Poem 2177
Amsterdam, 2019-03-23

Falling is like flying (Manon Uphoff) (2019)
Book "Vallen is als vliegen"
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (at home) 
Tribute to: Uphoff, Manon 
 

The bees sting, angry

with me, about my honey:


wrong budding flower.


De bijen steken,Die Bienen stechen,
boos op mij, op mijn honing:wütend auf mich, den Honig:
een verkeerde bloem.die falsche Blume.

Poem S0853
Amsterdam, 2019-03-26

Springtime (Jeroen Eisinga) (2010)
Performance
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Anger / Rage 
Tribute to: Eisinga, Jeroen 
 

The mouths are open,

wide, as if they are screaming:


the leaf sucks in air.


Alsof ze schreeuwen,Offene Münder,
zo staan de mondjes open:als wenn sie schreien würden:
het blad zuigt lucht in.das Blatt saugt Luft ein.

Poem H2431
Amsterdam, 2019-04-13

Stomata (of leaves) (0)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Need 
 

Zywa Sharp cymbals

Toys in the attic
of the house of two mothers
And the ghosts of their daughters

making noise, a murmur and
the hollow laugh of the wind-up clown
when something falls in the dust

The toys have never been used
The kids never wanted to
play with Olivia

That's why she has been fantasizing
for thirty years, about blood and death
among the bushes in the park

Mother is powerless
Only she knows the secret
and no one is safe

Poem 2205
Amsterdam, 2019-04-14

Julia (Peter Straub) (1975)
Book (film-adaption in 1977 as "Full Circle")
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Spirit / Ghost(s) 
Tribute to: Straub, Peter 
 

Zywa I feel my cuts

They say I live in a fantasy
they say I need to see my doctor
they say I am troubled

    Some of them don't like me
and I don't like me
being that girl

who hates to look in the mirror
but dresses up to catch your eye
who is never afraid

to make statements
to be stubborn, just
to be frank, longing

to be submissive
and to gain the carnal
pleasure of my body

Yet I'm drowning
while waiting for help --
it is arranged for next year

They say I lie to myself
they say I am different
than I feel, and I feel

my cuts

Poem 2245
Amsterdam, 2019-05-18

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Love: for yourself 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Zywa Harmony / Chaos

I let myself go
in the stream, with the stream
I sense
the bed, the banks

My fingertips brush the rocks
and the crocodiles
feel where they crush
at which angles they cut
I know the tension
of their muscles, legs, jaws

and I let them go
in my stream, with my stream
My bed and receding banks
give them the space
of wasted efforts
and squishy spots on their soul

that seeks salvation
in the stream, the great stream
without a bed, without banks
and without direction

Poem 2253
Amsterdam, 2019-05-29

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: stream (follow) 
 

Taking action is

the highest, that's what you learn --


in the cinema.


In actie komenHandeln ist sicher
is het hoogste, dat leer je --das höchste, jeder kann das --
in de bioscoop.im Kino lernen.

Poem H2508
Amsterdam, 2019-06-26

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Identity: personality 
 

Zywa Please lick me

He hits me, and she
does not feel the pain
she prefers to side with him

I laugh about it, I know it
the ritual in which I am
just the last in line

Nobody hears it, nobody sees it
Who would help me? he doesn't
shout and he doesn't hit me that hard

Hello Earth, This Is Siera
I am a red devil
do you read me?

Come In, Future
I wish to live and be licked
please lick me dry and cool

Do It Now

Poem 2436
Amsterdam, 2019-09-30

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Trauma 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Zywa Pill under my tongue

It must be me
who stillborn screaming
is locked up for days
in the unreal world
of home and garden

where you set out the chairs
in the grass and the sun is shining
but not giving any warmth
in the parallel reality
of the pill under my tongue

that makes me a ghost
without a body to kill
only with detailed plans
how to do that and finally
get rid of the ghost

Poem 2439
Amsterdam, 2019-10-01

Wishing to die (Anne Sexton) (1964)
Poem "Wanting to die", read in the film "Anne Sexton at home" (1966) and published in the collection "Live or Die" (1966)
#sue

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Trauma 
Tribute to: Sexton, Anne 
 

I died from the pain,

surprisingly living on --


at half my strength though.


Ik stierf van de pijn,Ich starb vor Schmerzen,
toch leef ik nog, onverwacht --lebe aber immer noch --
maar op halve kracht.halber Kraft jedoch.

Poem S0940
Amsterdam, 2019-10-05

Serious physical damage
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Health 
 

Zywa Sometimes a spooky day

The day has overtones
but it breathes heavily in me

I can play with the themes
and bow to the applause

I can sing a counterpart
exhaust me until the evening

but the nights are too short
to recover, I have to

deliberately fling me into
the struggle, whatever comes of it

A day without suffering
is a day wasted

a day of happiness
is heaven on earth

dreamt without eyes and ears
for reality, a spooky day

Poem 2537
Amsterdam, 2019-12-09

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Depression 
 

Zywa Yay, a new reader! (Dad was in my room)

Daddy's friends like to laugh
and have another beer
to watch me
when I bring it

but today they fall silent
you could be bothered yourself
with a difficult daughter
who posts poems

about sex and the love
of her father and
a distant lover

What is the matter with him
and this interest in my inner self?
Too bad, he does not understand

Only in fantasy can I express
what I need and
what makes me angry

Poem 2539
Amsterdam, 2019-12-14

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Self-expression 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Zywa Mojo

Pain is a border post
sometimes a fence, sometimes a wall
against which I sometimes lean

fearing for my life
I can only sing
for myself, not to drown

in blues, raise my voice
and keep dancing
while I'm not dead

I rather sweat and stink
of misery than do nothing
and long and sigh

sadly, looking around for light days
without pain, the border crossed
or pulled down by my Mojo

Poem 2717
Amsterdam, 2020-02-22

Mojo, Funk, Saudade
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Pain 
 

Zywa Disgraced

We are living in a poor country
since we took it back
and whoever stays must pay

in kind, we take it
very personally, man by man
with violence, we subject

the last woman to our right
to penetrate her like she
and the other foreigners

have, for six generations
penetrated our lives, that's how
we thrust our daggers of hate

in her, she is defenseless
her dogs stay still
in their blood, she too has

to resign herself to her fate
the disgrace of life
and the grace of death

Poem 2729
Amsterdam, 2020-02-26

disgrace (John Coetzee) (1999)
Novel
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Revenge 
Tribute to: Coetzee, John 
 

Zywa Sometimes it rains

It's nice that you think of me
but fantasy would be too much
I am mine, not yours

when I am alone at home
at the table or in bed, longing
for company or attention

or not, I just eat and sleep
in the creases of the night
ignorant whether the moon is shining

In the morning, I awake
the birds arouse my nerves
and sometimes it rains

I have to pee and urgently
be busy, do not think that
you should brush your teeth

to kiss me and melt
me in your warmth
I'm not that lonely

Poem 2760
Amsterdam, 2020-03-11

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Attention: exist 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa I prefer to be silent

You are still living in my skin
and in my belly, my cells
still remember everything
as if your spirit has crept into them

I am not safe
sometimes you wake up
under a different name
threatening

to repeat what should never have been
What can I do?
What should I call out?
I know your rumpelstiltskin names
They hurt me

with impotence and panic
for what can happen
I rather am silent about it
with wise, dear people
who see my suffering anyway

Poem 2927
Amsterdam, 2020-04-15

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (at home) 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa The year 2000 -- and then a new century

The music is calling, celebrate it
with me, with all of us
I challenge you

don't touch me
it's not your concern
why

I rather don't
even want to
know it myself

What I understand of it
is not up for discussion
Don't touch me

the scars are more sensitive
than I can bear
I don't show them

The music is calling
I challenge you
I challenge you

Poem 2943
Amsterdam, 2020-04-20

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (psycho-soma) 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa The alarm went off

The alarm went off
in my belly, I thought
but it was already blasting

much earlier on my skin
for puzzling danger
Then I would run away

strike out or clench
like an iron clamp
I was a walking fortress

disguised as a girl
longing for contacts
that I could not bear

without necessity
and hard agreements
I still don't want to

be cheated
by understanding and sweet words
my body tolerates nothing

certainly no expectations

Poem 2945
Amsterdam, 2020-04-20

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (psycho-soma) 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

What is violence?

I don't do it, if I do --


I quickly forget.


Wat jij geweld noemt,Was du Gewalt nennst,
doe ik niet, als ik het doe --tue ich nicht, und wenn doch --
dan vergeet ik het.dann vergess' ich es.

Poem S1014
Amsterdam, 2020-05-15

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Violence:  
 

They took me with them,

and they left me in the straw --


filthy like manure.


Ze namen me mee,Sie nahmen mich mit,
ik bleef achter in het stro --ließen mich zurück im Stroh --
smerig als stalmest.dreckig wie Dünger.

Poem S1046
Amsterdam, 2020-07-03

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (self-deprecation) 
 

Zywa Why do I love you?

Lately, I've been wondering
Will grandpa Don hug me?
Will grandpa John kiss me on the cheek?
Will my sweetie be the first person
to welcome me there?

Quite often I wonder
Why are the days so similar?
Why do people want to live?
Why are children playing?
How many years did I play?

Then I wonder
which photo will remain of me
How old will I be on it?
Is that what will be left of me?
Will I turn in my grave?

I ponder a lot
about the luck I have had
How rich have I become?
Why are our happiness treasures
our happiness measures?

I often wonder
What will I miss?
Who will miss me?
Who will find me?
And who will have regrets?

Poem 3086
Amsterdam, 2020-07-08

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Depression 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Cloudy in my head,

showers coming from my nose --


a mist in my eyes.


Wolken in mijn hoofd,Kopf voller Wolken,
regenbuien uit mijn neus --Schauer aus meiner Nase --
mist in mijn ogen.Dampf in den Augen.

Poem H2796
, 2020-10-09

A cold
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Disease: suffer 
 

Zywa Injury

Are you my exercise
of feeling breath
in my body and feeling it
rise to a storm?

Am I your exercise
of listening, only
asking a question
when I dare not go on

to throw up fragments
of facts and confusion
in fits and starts
of silences

which you undergo
without comfort, without
getting closer, that close
you are already

confident
that I dare to
breathe deeply, cry
and go on

searching
in the dark
discovering
how I can?

Poem 3299
Amsterdam, 2020-12-12

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Trauma 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa I started to smell

Dad blew bubbles
against my belly
and between my legs

Dad woke me up
to pee, and massaged me
inside

     On his calendar
     Dad puts signs
     for the safe times

     I started to smell
     of fear, infected
     by the smell of my sisters

          That invited him
          You can come, it's safe
          we dare not do anything

          or say anything
          we want to cover it up
          But no perfume is strong enough

               I look seriously
               in the mirror
               and I don't see it

               I am praised
               for my beautiful drawings
               of tortured women

Poem 3827
Amsterdam, 2021-05-27

Falling is like flying (Manon Uphoff) (2019)
Book "Vallen is als vliegen"
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (at home) 
Tribute to: Uphoff, Manon 
 

Trees along the road

continue to grow as if --


nothing had happened.


Bomen langs de bermBäume am Rande
groeien gewoon door alsof --wachsen einfach weiter, als --
er niets gebeurd is.wäre nichts passiert.

Poem H2977
Amsterdam, 2021-07-04

Exposition "Without a trace" in De Pont, Tilburg
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: stream (motion) 
 

The experience

is still there, always lurking --


Wanting one more time.


De ervaring blijft,Die Erfahrung bleibt,
ze ligt altijd op de loer --liegt immer auf der Lauer --
Ze wil nog een keer.Sie will noch einmal.

Poem S1236
Amsterdam, 2021-09-10

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Trauma 
 

The girl keeps wriggling,

at her wrists and her ankles --


tossed into the sea.


Het meisje spartelt,Das Mädchen zappelt,
aan haar polsen en enkels --an Hand- und Fußgelenken --
in zee gejonast.ins Meer geworfen.

Poem S1275
Egmond aan Zee, 2021-10-28

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: People: men (aggression) 
 

Being together,

our mutual attention --


is just like sunshine.


Een middag samen,Im Zusammensein
jouw aandacht en mijn aandacht --ist unsere Achtsamkeit --
zijn als zonneschijn.so wie Sonnenschein.

Poem H3146
Amsterdam, 2021-12-15

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Attention: sun 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Life is short, don't waste

any time and concentrate --


today on today.


Het leven is kort,Das Leben ist kurz,
verspil geen tijd en richt je --also konzentriere dich --
vandaag op vandaag.heute auf heute.

Poem H3148
Amsterdam, 2021-12-16

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Awareness: reality 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa Roger Wilco

I'm waiting, not dressed yet
First, gather courage, a shower
is nice, the rest is a challenge

Cleaning up a bit, do some shopping
maybe, otherwise I'll just sit here
waiting for the appointment

Waiting is getting harder
It gives me too much time
to think about the end

I survived nightwatches
as an object-with-a-wristband
for routine examinations

My life is too short
to worry about side issues
Will you come?

Please come soon, hear me, see me
understand me, I love you
Roger Wilco, I love you too

Poem 4246
Amsterdam, 2021-12-22

R = Received
Roger = Message Received
Wilco = I understand and Will Comply

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Need 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa Throw-away songs

As if I were old, I bury
friends from the hospital
Who is left compares
the ritual with images from above
(and oneself as a spectator)

of the farewell
where you are not present yourself
after the anticlimax that precedes it
Y o u     d o n ' t     w a n t     t o     k n o w
No, nobody wants to know
(not about themselves
  not about anyone else)


Protesting against Life
is very much Being alive
even if it is ridiculous
all the more so because
you still want so much
(to experience and enjoy)

Maybe I'm just shouting
screaming not to cry and die
of despair
Friends catch snatches
(and do not understand me)

There are also happy hours
bittersweet
when I give it a thought
that far too soon
they won't be there anymore
(I won't be there anymore)

Poem 4255
Amsterdam, 2021-12-25

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Disease: serious / deadly 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

I was powerless,

a doll, he wanted a doll --


to be sweet to him.


Ik was machteloos,Ich, eine Puppe,
een pop, hij wilde een pop --er wollte eine Puppe --
die lief voor hem was.die für ihn süß war.

Poem S1303
Amsterdam, 2021-12-30

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (self-deprecation) 
 

Be careful, my love

is heavy, you will get tired --


and then you'll leave me.


Pas op, mijn liefdeMeine Liebe ist
is zwaar, je zult moe worden --schwer, du wirst müde werden --
en mij verlaten.und mich verlassen.

Poem S1405
Amsterdam, 2022-05-06

Not her (HoneyLove) (2021)
Text on AllPoetry.com
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Love: effort / pain 
Tribute to: Mayhew, Siera 
 

Zywa I learned to laugh

In the glory days of K-1
nobody could touch me
Life smiled at me

I wasn't a child anymore
I learned to laugh
and I could handle everyone

The galas, watching and being watched
the tough friends, many things to do
The world was mine

The helplessness, the past
no longer mattered
I learned to laugh

     but my strength is gone
     my body often helpless again
     unease makes me drowsy

     everything comes back
     at the wrong moments
     as if it is happening now

     If I don't laugh anymore
     I am dead, or almost
     the world is almost closed

     I learned to laugh
     from loneliness, mama
     I was so alone

Poem 4625
Amsterdam, 2022-08-24

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Disease: serious / deadly 
Keyword: Trauma 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Hijab and Sex Sells

often remind me of it --


what libido is.


Hijab en Sex SellsHidsch?b und Sexsells
herinneren me eraan --erinnern mich oft daran --
wat libido is.was Libido ist.

Poem S1529
Noordwijkerhout, 2022-10-05

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Desire: lust 
 

Rather less funny

than fantastic, rather real --


than a fantasy.


Liever minder leukNein, nicht fabelhaft
dan fantastisch, liever echt --und lustig, lieber real --
dan een fantasie.als eine Fabel.

Poem H3553
Amsterdam, 2022-10-31

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: effort 
 

Unconditional

is my love and exhausted --


you will go away.


OnvoorwaardelijkGanz bedingungslos
houd ik van jou, uitgeput --liebe ich dich, ganz erschöpft --
zul je vertrekken.wirst du fortgehen.

Poem S1561
Amsterdam, 2022-11-04

Not her (HoneyLove) (2021)
Text on AllPoetry.com
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Love: is all 
Tribute to: Mayhew, Siera 
 

A hairy monster,

all covered in syringes:


Unconscious person.


Een harig monster,Haariges Monster,
een en al injectiespuit:alles Injektionsspritze:
Platgespoten mens.Bewusstloser Mensch.

Poem S1600
Amsterdam, 2022-12-18

Flory Sinanduku in Kinshasa (Kris Pannecoucke) (2022)
Flory Sinanduku in a suit of syringes, Kinshasa 2022 (photo Kris Pannecoucke) - An Enzilochmann (man from the gorge of the Enzi valley) looks alike, with fir branches instead of syringes
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Awareness: volatile / fragments 
Tribute to: Pannecoucke, Kris 
Tribute to: Sinanduku, Flory 
 

He is a mummy,

as yellowed as the filters --


he used to smoke through.


Hij is een mummie,Eine Mumie
zo vergeeld als de filters --ist er, gelb wie die Filter --
waardoor hij rookte.durch die er rauchte.

Poem S1602
Amsterdam, 2022-12-18

Pape Noir in Kinshasa (Kris Pannecoucke) (2022)
Pape Noir in a suit of cigarette butts, Kinshasa 2022 (photo Kris Pannecoucke)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Body: functioning 
Tribute to: Pannecoucke, Kris 
Tribute to: Noir, Pape 
 

The plastic waste is

an enormous ghost, dented --


with eternal life.


Het plastic afvalDer Plastikmüll ist
is een heel groot spook, gebutst --ein großes Gespenst, verbeult --
van eeuwig leven.von Langlebigkeit.

Poem S1606
Amsterdam, 2022-12-18

Etabe and Sarah in Kinshasa (Kris Pannecoucke) (2022)
Etabe and Sarah, both in a suit of plastic cups, Kinshasa 2022 (photo Kris Pannecoucke)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: environment 
Tribute to: Pannecoucke, Kris 
Tribute to: Etabe & Sarah 
 

Zywa Tomb of the Unknown Woman

There are tents with tubs
and tents with mattresses
for the girls and women

in the middle of the camp
behind the front
where they are buried alive

Buried who they were
Wishing to die
from the pain, out of the hell

of unknown soldiers
who are honoured, for
what they do does not happen

Because it's not allowed, so
they will get the flowers
which are not at the camp

that tomb
of the human dignity
of the snatched women

Poem 5088
Amsterdam, 2023-03-06

Our Bodies, Their Battlefield: what war does to women (Christina Lamb) (2020)
LATIN Rapere = snatch, carry off >> ENGLISH Rape = treat a woman as property
Book by Christina Lamb

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (group/war) 
Keyword: People: men (aggression) 
Tribute to: Lamb, Christina 
 

Zywa Paradise of guns and violence

A woman with a gun
Driven out. Cast out
by her neighbours

because she was killed internally
and could feel nothing
but pain and disgust

and because they too can
no longer believe who she was
at home, in the paradise

before the arrival of the men
who use you cruelly
until they discard you

and impale the broomstick
grandma's cane, their bayonet
or a bullet in you

The woman with the gun
wants to sleep again, to feel
the warmth of the sun again

She wants to defend
a new paradise, being awake
from the nightmare

of inhumanity
and free herself from the cage
of her broken body

Poem 5090
Amsterdam, 2023-03-06

Our Bodies, Their Battlefield: what war does to women (Christina Lamb) (2020)
Relief on the grounds of the Soviet War Memorial, Treptower Park, Berlin
Soviet War Memorial
Book by Christina Lamb

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (group/war) 
Keyword: Paradise 
Tribute to: Lamb, Christina 
 

Zywa I just should

Mama is angry, she's letting me
I just should
be big enough
Her mummy time is over

since the divorce
No new beginning yet
I just should
be kind to her

indulge her and help her
until it's getting better
I just should
not mind the voices

that spit at me
with swear words
and cover my thoughts
I just should

listen to her and see
how I get rid of it
Is there anyone
who is not deaf to me?

I just should fix it myself
and if I can do that, mama
you can succeed as well
in being my mama again

Poem 5126
Amsterdam, 2023-04-09

Mama / Even at 21 (Honey Love) (2023)
On AllPoetry.com:
"[ Mama ]", February 2020
"Mama", May 2021
"Even at 21", February 27th, 2023

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Parents: mother(hood) 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Zywa #sui #1

Mama woke me up
She embraced me sobbing and
stumbled down the stairs
in my arms, and I

stumbled down the stairs
in her arms, to daddy
in the kitchen, arms around each other
we were crying

but I had to go back, see
how I was
breathless on my bed
still warm

as if I was asleep, oh
you are thirteen
don't go, stay
here with me

Paramedics arrived
They put me in a bag
and carried me away
leaving me behind

Poem 5130
Amsterdam, 2023-04-10

Loss / What they say (Honey Love) (2023)
On AllPoetry.com:
"Loss", February 7th, 2023
"What they say", February 8th, 2023

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Depression 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

Zywa #sui #2

I can think what I want
it doesn't numb me
But not to feel sorrow
would be worse

I can think what I want
That they were just words
But they were deadly
anyway

I can think what I want
Let myself explode
to know nothing more
but I know anyway

I can think what I want
Not to be the honey
he slurps up
but it happens anyway

and it's not the kiss
it seems to be
and certainly not the kiss
of my dreams

Poem 5132
Amsterdam, 2023-04-10

(Honey Love) (2019)
Siera Mayhew's first publications on AllPoetry.com in February 2019 were: "Desentisized", "Thirsty Bee", "A Suicied Note", and "Numb"
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Depression 
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew 
 

The stupidest song

was written in a jiffy:


Painless Suicide.


De stomste liedtekstDer dümmste Liedtext
was in een wip geschreven:hat er im Nu geschrieben:
Zelfmoord doet geen pijn.Schmerzlos Suizid.

Poem S1738
Amsterdam, 2023-04-16

Suicide is painless (Michael Altman) (1969)
Lyrics "Suicide is painless" (1969, Michael Altman [age 14]) for the movie "M*A*S*H" about the Korea War, 1970, Robert Altman)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Depression 
Keyword: Humor^ 
Tribute to: Altman, Michael 
 

I am out of breath,

so overwhelmed by my dream --


of a lazy day.


Ik hap naar adem,Ich schnappe nach Luft,
overweldigd door mijn droom --überwältigt von dem Traum --
van luie dagen.von faulen Tagen.

Poem H3796
Amsterdam, 2023-04-16

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Calm: standstill 
 

Zywa Angry Angel

You cannot sleep?
It will come
It's the clock genes

Just come over here
and lie down with me
Close to each other
You are so sweet

It tied knots in me
that are not quite undone yet
I was a saviour, an angel

not yet used
to her body, a child
who does know heaven
but not yet earth

It recurred
Anger grew inside me
Powerless aversion

It recurred
And with others
I lost my wings
A worthless angel

Poem 5216
Amsterdam, 2023-05-22

Clock genes: 24-hour rhythm / circadian rhythm (circa-dies = approximately a day)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (at home) 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa Fallen angel

What is home, everyone knows
from experience or lack
or both, as I do

And still
I know what I missed
when I think about it

Not often, at last
I got my home
And still

I am the saviour, the angel
I have practised to be
from childhood

I hesitate at the old Christmas card
with me as a little angel, back then
when I got a cat as a present

Stars on my white dress
gilt-edged wings
and a halo

But unable
to definitely redeem
my family, their desires

Wounded, I crashed
bipolar between heaven and earth
between love and failure

Poem 5218
Amsterdam, 2023-05-22

Photo: Christmas 1986; Maria is 4 years old, her brother is 12
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Home: security / comfort 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa Lying in state

I am laid down for you
on a table made up
as a bridal bed

My head turned away
from you in the cup
of my hands

I feel you everywhere
you haven't touched me yet
with meaningless lust

You will kiss my belly
and bump the fruit
not knowing what you are doing

You won't be the man
who is going to protect our lives
from unworthiness

Poem 5322
Amsterdam, 2023-10-07

Waiting (For Meaning) (Marlene Dumas) (1988)
Painting, a diptych with "Losing (Her Meaning)" - see poem H4271 My spirit is drowned
Poem "6. Waiting (for meaning)" (2000, Antjie Krog), collection "Kleur kom nooit alleen nie" ("Colour never comes alone")

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (self-deprecation) 
Tribute to: Dumas, Marlene 
Tribute to: Krog, Antjie 
 

My spirit is drowned,

my body still gasps for air --


still gasps to live on.


Mijn geest verdronk al,Mein Geist ertrank schon,
mijn lichaam hapt nog naar lucht --mein Körper schnappt noch nach Luft --
naar verderleven.nach weiterleben.

Poem H4271
Amsterdam, 2023-11-01

Losing (Her Meaning) (Marlene Dumas) (1988)
Painting, a diptych with "Waiting (For Meaning)" - see poem 5322. Lying in state
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Life: survival (reflex) 
Tribute to: Dumas, Marlene 
 

Zywa Haarlem Smileys

My hand wants to know
what I, what they
want, do, and to
understand what is happening

to my body, and what
it has to do with me

My soul also wants to
know in order to know
and to laugh about it
when I think I know something

Laugh relievingly

Think about why

others do what they do
and then, what hold
my hand has
to help

I think ahead
behind my clouds
the sun shines
the sun smiles

Poem 5246
Amsterdam, 2023-06-26

Tarot 19. Sun
Prometheus thinks ahead
I too work according to plan
I think

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Abuse (psycho-soma) 
Keyword: Reason: logic 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

Zywa The Bundle

Coins to sow unity
and a symbol, and a flag
and a castle too

that makes the guardians untouchable
ruthless to today's wolves
and in times of peace also
to innocent lambs

to sanctify the Sign
as priests of an old covenant
of the power that disciplines the herd

with providence and the stench
of black smoke
from the burnt offering
next to the sacrifices on the spit

on which they feast
and the Sign they hold
free of stains

Poem 1738
Amsterdam, 2018-04-29

Fascio, Fascism
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Power: compulsion / violence 
 

So tasty, the smell

of steaming bread, freshly baked --


while I was sleeping.


Zo lekker, de geurHerrlich, der Geruch
van broden, vers gebakken --von Brot, ganz frisch gebacken --
terwijl ik nog sliep.während ich noch schlief.

Poem H0080
Amsterdam, 2011-12-14

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Together: society 
Keyword: Pleasure 
 

Zywa Smiley from Brussels

I pick up plants from the street and slow down
Caring with soil, scissors and cotton wool
I slow down and cook, for him, and with him
everything else slows down. I don't do much

At first wilfully, daily exercises
and meditation, my body asked for it
Attention

Esther covered my skin, he caresses
it, he catches my navel lint
Childish games, silly jokes
Giggling like a lama

Cuddling, energy
from the sun behind my clouds
Peace of on and off buttons

The slower sucking and spitting
of the ganglia in my head
No more overdrive
All neural pathways know it

Poem 5248
Amsterdam, 2023-06-26

Zhineng Qigong = Wise and Skillful Handling of the Energy of Life

"Guru" = "Weighty" of knowledge, spiritual teacher
"Lama" = "Soul-Mother", "Highest Mother"

On and off buttons: agonists and antagonists, the biochemical signal substances that imitate the effect of a hormone

Overdrive = acceleration of the wheels relative to the engine, by installing an extra gear

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Thinking (order) 
Keyword: Calm: tardiness 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

The baby senses

it, so it begins to cry --


Now we can cry too.


De baby voelt hetDas Baby spürt es
aan en begint te huilen --und beginnt zu weinen, jetzt --
Nu kunnen wij ook.können wir es auch.

Poem H0447
Amsterdam, 2013-05-06

Hospital (heart monitoring department)
Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Feelings (emotion) 
 

Zywa Dear bodyhome [3]

The long way back
to my skin's old threshold
limits, replacing the alarm
with a notification
without crisis consultation

and more
than the sensation
of smells and tastes
and more
than the satisfaction
of strength and fatigue

and more
than laughing muscles to feel
there is contact
in between thinking
Placing a lot at a distance
to have space close by

to be balanced
and to love myself
to accept touches
uninhibited, not creeping
like the scent of wisteria

Poem 5251
Amsterdam, 2023-06-27

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Identity: body 
Keyword: Contact: touch(ed) 
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk 
 

We'll wash the dishes,

talking between silences --


only, do not sing!


Samen afwassen,Den Abwasch machen,
tussen de stiltes praten --reden zwischen der Stille --
als je maar niet zingt!wenn du nur nicht singst!

Poem H0374
Amsterdam, 2012-10-26

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Harmony: cooperation 
 

Zywa Safe in a square

An upper floor apartment, a square
where I am safe, having nothing
I can be robbed from, with internet
and a sofa bed

it is the way of life

of my friends-of:
come, don't do anything stupid
then you will be fine again
the storm will rage out

while you are in our square


Maybe I'll find a way
for myself, an area outside
where I find satisfaction
and yes, what you say

a calm inside

Poem 1691
Amsterdam, 2018-02-25

The square (Ruben Östlund) (2017)
Film
Asulos (Asylum) = not to rob, not to steal, immune; free from, secure against

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Safety: security / comfort 
Tribute to: Ostlund, Ruben 
 

I always race by

the lurking bush over there --


with its pawing arms.


Ik loop altijd snelIch umfliege schnell
langs de loerende struiken --diese lauernden Büsche --
met hun grijparmen.mit den Greifarmen.

Poem H2723
Amsterdam, 2020-06-14

Collection: Bruises 
Keyword: Fear: insecurity 
 

Zywa
     Collection:   Bruises
GroupGermanDutch5-7-5
PencilPumiceRainLoves
CompressedBirdsIflessPhoto