Will it be alright, or shall I always
have to make it do, always
holding my man's hand
so that he does not fall?

Will it be alright, or will it
not last?
Is he too just a dupe
of himself?

My first angel
delivered pills, he brought
heaven to the camping site
and soon became a home for me

Celebrating birthdays
with the whole family
Nice and quiet days
My life became mine

The others also flew
like angels high
on my breath, to be free
away, from me, from home

I waited
Come into my arms
Listen to me
Take care of me

What is home, everyone knows
from experience or lack
or both, as I do

And still
I know what I missed
when I think about it

Not often, at last
I got my home
And still

I am the saviour, the angel
I have practised to be
from childhood

I hesitate at the old Christmas card
with me as a little angel, back then
when I got a cat as a present

Stars on my white dress
gilt-edged wings
and a halo

But unable
to definitely redeem
my family, their desires

Wounded, I crashed
bipolar between heaven and earth
between love and failure

You cannot sleep?
It will come
It's the clock genes

Just come over here
and lie down with me
Close to each other
You are so sweet

It tied knots in me
that are not quite undone yet
I was a saviour, an angel

not yet used
to her body, a child
who does know heaven
but not yet earth

It recurred
Anger grew inside me
Powerless aversion

It recurred
And with others
I lost my wings
A worthless angel

Can people still have a discussion with me?
I can confront you
with my falter
That searching, the slow
which I can hardly bear myself
And what do you think of me?

I'm getting smaller, too small
for everything and everyone
I know, more and more
is falling off my world
Dependent on friends
who need me

So nothing seems to have changed
but it's not like that
not the way it was
not what I was worth
I know too well what it is
to endure the day depressed

It may take a long time
that I'm not there for a while
Lost in unreachable thoughts
until I sound again like
I'm doing better
than I'm telling you

You say: attention
is the most loving thing
you can give

I answer: carefreeness
is the most loving thing
you can have

It often eludes me
Then I lie awake
because I can't do anything

as long as there are no certainties
no current measurements and slices
for relief or a new plan

I want to try everything
to gain time
exhaust all my strength

adapt
and save who I am
what I'm worth

my head full of purplish blue fragrance
which turns my feelings blue
Blue Bluish blue

Not grown apart
still familiar, changed
by each other's attention
Grown along in the other
in who we are

For everything
there can be a time
For slow days
For closer to home
For constantly creating order
For new projects
and old friends

Occasionally
a message
without a hold
on whether it fits
in the moment
and falls, falls
into place

Occasionally
the nearness
of our voices
our most unique selves
talking freely
with open endings
for other times

Drinking tea in the rain
in the smell of rain
plain tea, plain rain
but, the two of us, full
of expectation: touch me
touch me, feel me

Lips, hands, all
of you, dear darling
touch me, touch me
nicer much nicer
than dreaming
dreaming the past

If you like you can
silently shout a stick
into the sky, climb
and climb higher, higher
sliding looser, looser
down and up

higher higher up
colours around the sun
diving deep into them
wallowing and wrapping yourself
and sparking sparks
from my hands

But stay with me
want me, want to
see and feel me
keep me whole
see me, feel me
touch me, touch me

The hour has struck
Immediately we forget the time
and wish each other all the best
and boredom

that blessed can do everything
with the peaceful ticking
of grandma's clock without the hands
of an agenda that calls Action!

New Year, the realization
that time in ourselves never passes
In one body we are years
of experiences that are not closed

but do themselves well
on new discoveries and occasionally
set us thinking
about how it all comes together

Three wands
One is not finished yet
the gold is melted, but
the magic has not yet been found

The airy one is available
on call, to numb the pain
and the living one, made of wood
lies on my bedside table

as a hold with dying
before I pass away
The stories are told
my horses stand in front of the sea

I hesitate about the spell
and I am in doubt to let go
of the reins of my will
leaving the world to others

The waters break, they
flush around my bare feet
from the ankles to my vagina
they flow into me and out of me

The blue butterflies live
on honey from the magic world
of changes -

the rain and shine
and the wing beats
of all the bodies

with more or less happiness
suffered injuries and tears
for unwelcome outcomes

I massage my aching belly
full of vampire moths
As long as I live

blue butterflies will
fly up from the womb
of my affection

We talk a lot, it can be
about everything, carefully
no misunderstandings

when it becomes intimate
and we explore how far
we dare to show ourselves

how shamelessly
curious we're allowed to be
about what is hidden

in uncertainty, longing
for the confirmation
that it is good, we

are good as we are
a loss, if we were
to fall out of the attention

of the other, no longer
celebrating life
together

Boys are Different, exciting
to get to know, certainly
the exotic characters

I collide with them until I can
make a breach here and there
a peep-in, discover something

and assimilate it
while I am watching how he
tastes small bites from me

We change, irrevocably
we bridge differences and understand
each other in fewer words

That is the danger
It starts with a subject
about which we think so differently

that we avoid it from then on
and we pass more gorges
gradually not discussable holes

in familiar ground
which is no longer Different
but so domestic that we

don't even seem
to share it
and no longer can fit the pieces

Cherish me, shelter me
embrace me with your attention
     your blood wants to
     warm me skin on skin

Peace in me, your hand radiates
from afar into my belly
     I am not alone
     not a day, not a thought

Your etheric body is with me
your heart follows mine
     in desire
     in love

Breathe with me and come
soon to hug me
     don't postpone and come
     to me, close to me

In bed I think you
close to me, I am -
my shapes in your hands
and can forget for a while

My belly on the inside full
of bruises, right there
I long for you, I want to feel
you and not know an hour

Clean and fragrant from the bath
happily ever after
sucking and caressing
horsing around immortally

Do what I can do, dream
take my mind off, change
my horizon until you are here
and eat something in between

In the glory days of K-1
nobody could touch me
Life smiled at me

I wasn't a child anymore
I learned to laugh
and I could handle everyone

The galas, watching and being watched
the tough friends, many things to do
The world was mine

The helplessness, the past
no longer mattered
I learned to laugh

     but my strength is gone
     my body often helpless again
     unease makes me drowsy

     everything comes back
     at the wrong moments
     as if it is happening now

     If I don't laugh anymore
     I am dead, or almost
     the world is almost closed

     I learned to laugh
     from loneliness, mama
     I was so alone

Who can I ask
to go with me
behind me on a single track

of false hope, genuine hope
against my better judgement
on the way for too few

meagre minutes to celebrate together
but still time that I don't want to miss
even if it does not offer what I wish?

The little trod paths
will be as well a dead-end
as the short way into the mists

that stun you and increasingly
take the view of the mountains
the balding mountains away

I don't want to stand still, I walk around
looking out for a new path
a magical path of life

that I, stumbling and slipping
over the sharp stones if need be
want to clear where it is not

Depilated from inside
opened and closed around
the navel, the core
of the beauty of the body
and the pearl in my scar

Cherish me, cherish me
let me feel and feel
that you are there, you are there

It is not my skin that I soften
in the bath, it is my muscles
and my soul, warm and supple
they must be to myself
to keep myself together

Cherish me, cherish me
let me feel and feel
that you are there, you are there

How much inner, how much
internal fight do I yet have
ahead, how much injury
to suffer before I can't
don't want to, will not go on?

Cherish me, cherish me
let me feel and feel
that you are there, you are there

I awake with a start, from the heat
as if you were lying heavy on me

I don't make a sound, sleepily I turn
the duvet down. You are not here

The door is locked
it's quiet in the house

I think of Missy in the other room
see her eyes light up in the basket

pricked up at the slightest sound
I make, a sigh

turning my pillow over
the thought of a caress

Being in love may be enough
care and company, I can organise

I shouldn't want everything
and yet I must, I want to

give myself everything
as much as possible

I don't stay on the side
I like to go together, get to know
people, have confidence, share
share my life, I look
for contact and butter up
anyone who can help me

It's you who I lure closer, who I lead
to chinks which I smooth
with butter honey, slowly
I pull you through
your shirt against me
to feel that you are there

You want to, but also you don't
so you get hot and take
the shirt off from the top
(I always take the bottom)
Half naked you run away
from your expectations

Here I lie, no respiratory mask
There is a little wind
I get too little air

to talk, no energy
My body is busy
eliminating the virus

I have no strength for anything
don't even fancy nuts or chocolates
just sleep, I would like to sleep

And wake up well rested
In bed next to you. I go too far
I'll only go to sleep after you have left

There are few colours, high veils
no thunderstorm in the air, no birds
From above I see us lying

Our breath is exactly the same
Five meters apart, we are
not really trespassing

I haven't caught your little bird yet

His black eye looks back
to me, we are alone
in the meadow, in the roadside

I hold my breath
everything becomes lighter
around the black

Meadow and road the world
empty and we eye
and beating heart

Heavy and firmly
my legs all four
in the ground

Strength crackles
around the electric barbed wire
in my insides

Only experiences count
now that every day matters:
new activities
beauty to the full

and attention to me
The rest, I clear out
What I have saved for years
I throw away neatly

in wrapping paper
or I fold flowers from it
witch will get dusted
in memory

of my company
our meetings
which cannot wait
We give each other

this day, everything
that can be intimate between
people in the passing
of an ordinary day

I do the fun things
that everyone says
he'd like to do, with you
and you and you and you

Only later I could
play without acting
play the leading role
in my life, my destiny

presorted or coincidental
bad luck on the inside
of my desirable body
loved

without lasting interest
in me, my presence
my desirous spirit
that lay awake

from them, their dreams
which I could not follow
which spurned me
afraid

of the effort that it takes
to change and
not to continue to press
the bruises

Listen to me, as half as I am
Talk to me, talk about me
to your loved ones, to your friends
Talk!
about my big eyes, my crazy dreams
And I, what I want, is lots of things
to tell you, to touch you
Yeah, that's it

     Here, this is who I am
     Here I stand, naked in front of you, yes
     I am afraid
     Here I stand, silent in the fuss

Look at me, look at least
to what's left of me
Look at me, before I hate myself
What can I tell you that
no one else would tell you?
Just a few things, but
it's me, who I am, I offer you all
I have, here you go

     Here, this is who I am
     as naked as I stand here
     there is nothing more
     This is my mouth, my cry
     okay, this is me
     Here, here, here I am I
     my dreams, my desires
     the way I expose myself, the way I smile
     Here I stand, silent in the fuss

Don't leave, please, stay for a long time
even if it won't save me, no
but without you I don't know how
Love me like you love a friend
who is leaving forever
I want you to love me
because I don't know that well
how I should love my half me

     Here, this is who I am
     as naked as I stand here
     there is nothing more
     Here I stand in the fuss and in the storm
     Please look at me
     to my eyes and my hands
     This is all I have to offer
     my mouth, my cry
     Here I am, here I am, here
     here, here
     here, here

What is a new year worth
if there is nothing new about it
and also nothing old?

If I no longer know myself
no longer am my old self
and have to learn

to love the other person
with my name and my body
whom I'd rather not be

Who misses my capacities
who needs to think far too long
before she says something back

who is not as funny and quick-witted
as me, as I remember
that I was, as I am

But it doesn't come out
it is hidden somewhere
so that I want to crawl away

and see nobody, nobody
until it appears and
I can jump and talk again

As if I were old, I bury
friends from the hospital
Who is left compares
the ritual with images from above
(and oneself as a spectator)

of the farewell
where you are not present yourself
after the anticlimax that precedes it
Y o u     d o n ' t     w a n t     t o     k n o w
No, nobody wants to know
(not about themselves
  not about anyone else)

Protesting against Life
is very much Being alive
even if it is ridiculous
all the more so because
you still want so much
(to experience and enjoy)

Maybe I'm just shouting
screaming not to cry and die
of despair
Friends catch snatches
(and do not understand me)

There are also happy hours
bittersweet
when I give it a thought
that far too soon
they won't be there anymore
(I won't be there anymore)

I'm waiting, not dressed yet
First, gather courage, a shower
is nice, the rest is a challenge

Cleaning up a bit, do some shopping
maybe, otherwise I'll just sit here
waiting for the appointment

Waiting is getting harder
It gives me too much time
to think about the end

I survived nightwatches
as an object-with-a-wristband
for routine examinations

My life is too short
to worry about side issues
Will you come?

Please come soon, hear me, see me
understand me, I love you
Roger Wilco, I love you too

I welcome you, my house is green
plants everywhere, fruit and cookies
Let us celebrate life

I want to smell the earth
I want to feel the rain
that releases the scent of the earth
from the cracks in the land

I welcome you, in beautiful clothes
cheerful if possible, happy
that you are there

Open the window to the gardens
let the pleasure substances in --
the pollen of the world
that finds soil everywhere

I welcome you, please help me
since this is all, help me
then I'll be able to face it

My body does not know
I have my birthday, it doesn't know yet
what will be working today, and what not

It tingles. It hurts.
Where do I get the strength from?
the Force, the Force

Scatterbrain, are you awake
here on the edge of the bed
what do you think, can I get up?

Hello Missy Kittypee
why don't you say anything, come
and sing a song for me?

Let the phone lie over there
I know I am kind
if I'm fit without pain

I cry with misery, inside
I collapse, again, again
I have to fire myself
to hold on

Time is short and goes so fast
but I have to go to bed
to lie down with my tiger
and get up with it

Homely chatter in the kitchen
the soup is already smelling and
I know there are candles burning
If only I could sleep

I shiver when I put back the blanket
I'll move the bed to the winter side
My tiger stays in bed
and rolls over again

The dry tears contract
my skin, come on, out
there are blackberries and
smell, smell the fresh bread

I pull myself together
caress the stiff parts
and wrap up myself nicely
as the tiger I've been

Do I want him

to dive into my bed sometimes
sometimes not, like an angel --
his wings ready to go?

exactly as I wish
exactly like a man
an experienced lover

who doesn't have to breathe
because he is an angel --
he doesn't smell odours

Perhaps it works
with my new wand
to make a hatch

or folding doors in the sky
something that I can open myself
as a sign: Come! Go!

Or do I want him to stay
and be with me, sometimes as a friend
sometimes as a lover, sometimes as an angel?

A brief break on the road
too tired for a nap
or to really eat here, something
that they don't even have

It's no use
to take my coat off
I just keep that one
glove on as well

I wish I was at home, in bed
not those bright lights, not that
endless dark night
still to go

Through the shadowy grey
of who what when
the mornings are fuzzy

green of visitors that will dance
and laugh, tell stories
with many gestures

and always find a reason
to touch me and embrace
me intimately

It's all, but not enough
I don't want to
crawl away in my hole yet

Could I only hide
like the sun
and appear again

with wagtails in the garden
and playing children
outside

He drove me to the sea
I make small steps
barefoot

Barefoot steps in the cold
sand, I do my best
I don't lie down

The toes of my feet
comes towards me
Next to his steps

We have done this
before, nothing wrong
The wind was always blowing

salt into my hair
foam into my words
playing hide and seek

inside my head, and the seagulls
squawk shrilly through it
I get lost in language

differences and bad
connections, and still
he does not notice

I want to belong
just
laugh together
and keep talking

whisper in the warmth
of each other's blood
safe in the insecurity
of life

that hits friends and takes them away
from the chain dance -- to the last
we hold them
hand in hand

I don't lock me up
in guarantees and fear
I bump and dent me outside
in the storm, together

with warriors
who do not hide
from the fate of others
because they belong

Your journey takes you further
and further away, maybe
we'll only see each other on a screen
maybe we'll only meet in words

We remain the same
we remain equally strong-
ly connected, but
I rather have you at my

home, at your home --
bodies with our voices
the blonde hairs on our skin
the same scents in our mind

You are always close
when I hear you, when I read you
yet you are there
I know about where

My feelings follow you
they circle with the others
at your side, as suns
around your suns

In bed I don't imagine
to be a warrior, I lie back
and let the disaster year occur

the inconveniences of my body
when waking up at night
and when it's time

to pee, to wash, to shake
up the pillows and to drink
something to start

the day, the light
that shifts through the room
and the visitors, the friends

who love me, just happy
to be with me, almost carefree
about my fate, just being themselves

as good fairies, strong fairies
of flesh and blood like me
in the survival game

I press weakly the hand
upon my hand, it's the last
thing it comes down to

What you experience, I experience
through your stories, it becomes also my
also my memory, my identity

Your desire, your delight
is also my emotion, my need
my reason of subsistence

The love that embraces you
also warms me, the love
you miss, also saddens me

With you, I follow the choices
that you make, regardless which
choices I would make myself

Your confusion, your searching
confuses me, makes me grope
where you are, on my side

We embrace life
the secrets of our bodies
We embrace, embrace each other

PAN-PAN   Come closer
without secondary objects
of illness and dying

Do not waste time
read my face
not my unusual skull

The sun shines, I breathe just like you
Feel free to touch me, I am
not a shadow behind the threshold
of memories

We can be together these hours
without the fatal snake venom
overgrowing our relationship

There is so much
that I want to hear from you and
that you don't know of me

Be as carnal as you can be
Answer my body language
caress the painful spots and
put your soul in me for a moment

Listen, follow my words
maybe they'll open you
to the Big Secret

and anchor it
in your mind, the gravity
of it in your heart, a sense

of what life is, your
life on planet earth
People in love know it

for a while, while it lasts
It changes everything
you do, everything you see

The world and you adjust
easily and by themselves
Osmoses over and back

free from friction and irritations
of your skin, that flow the bittersweet
out of you and into you

Space, ease, myself
breathing, feeling the stitches
under my ribs and the poison
in my body, in my head

Not thinking about that
Every day a friend
who cares
about her own interests

No curiosity, patronising
and consolation, only
an embrace and
being spoiled a bit

Awake, not dreaming
in my sleep, walking around
in the colours of the world
and eating roasted peanuts

in the park, the park
always a park
a forest, a dike or a beach
and otherwise my balcony

Not the war makes the warrior
but his peace
with the ending

     My gates are open
     energy is flowing in
     my face shines from it

     I live, I don't distract you
     with golden hair, I am
     life, bald and unadorned

Not: I survive with hope
but with inner peace
with the ending

     I don't leave me
     I don't withdraw
     in pain and sorrow

     I let life flow in and out
     I'm standing in the light
     in which we find each other

I am not here as a sick person
but in my hard-fought peace
with the ending

     My chest breathes up and down
     my dear body hurts
     I radiate it

     With hot water I wash
     off flakes and sighs
     and I stretch out, cautiously

Look, do you see it's me?
Don't mind the poppies
don't mind my skin, my head

without hair, okay, you may
see the earrings, they're winking
to the desirable gold

that you only know tied up
tight above unadorned ears
It was only loose at home

I tried lipstick
and became invincible
a robot woman full of energy

The pain does not count, I'm alive
experience after experience
a different person

The pain does count, I like
to live, take all
chances, give

anything for it
as long as it goes, as long
as I can, as long

as my energy flows love

Today you are touchably
close to me, your scent
a cheek against my cheek
our hands free

upon each other's warmth
friendship feels like that
without words
without question

There is always so much
to share, so much
that we know and do not dare
to know, do not dare to despair

It's still going well
enough, we want to
keep it, keep on
repeating it

our arms tight around
each other, around the skin
the blood and the bones
of our souls

I write my life
book, not on paper --
in many heads

I record who I am
and what I experience, just like you
I forget the future

There is no death in me
hormones run off and on
cell growers renew me

and I don't smell of decay
only of cheerfulness
and my desire

to live untroubled
in a home without worries
with dearcat and orphan plants

my heart full of garlands
and flowers scenting of contact
gently touching you

to be touched
by your hands
by your attention

My birth eye is blind
to the scar around it
my decoration

the life-size secant line
my fingers see
and my eyes feel

I taste the activities
of my organs, I taste
new flavours in my mouth

More identities are added
then get off, new clothes
that are one size smaller

and experiences as a friend
student, teacher, and fellow sufferer
that are one size extra

I bathe in abundance, so much
help and renewed contacts
because of who I am

I live, I make webtrips
my thoughts run around
and often stand still

in slow movements
around the centre
behind my belly button

I want to live without the ready-to-wears
of my former identities, I don't want to
be a former colleague, not a patient

with a rare disease
of the most severe category
rescued in the hospital mill

I want to live without the pity
that compassionate eyes attribute to me
I am still who I was

With a new decoration --
my hidden life line
with a curve

around my belly button:
here I am
Reborn

I walk back and forth
my house is not big

Outside is too far for me
and it is cold there
with dark clouds

I have plenty of time
to look, to see
small contrasts, birds flying past
the life that is dear to me

Do come to me
feel what is real
for which I put so much effort
feel what is important

what is pleasant, beautiful and cheerful
feel that there are friends
to share it with

now and later for yourself
there's no need to be afraid

Children attract me
I want to be touched
feel their energy
bumping into me

and I want to bounce back
push my soul against them
as a caress

The elderly at the social club touch me
their presence and their smile
warm me, the understanding
the wink of a telling word
the wisdom of their wrinkles

I have girlfriends
I make contact, I throw myself
into the water, the waves
touch them and the whole world
in a wide circle

the ripples lightly press on people
I only meet briefly, more deeply
into those who know my name

and always something springs back
always something gets in, something
of who I am, no one can escape
the fact that I exist

We have not embraced
the seqoias, not felt
their warmth this winter

We really need to get going
descend ten kilometers
south from Red Cloister

along the three sources
the playground and the pale castle
La Solitude

to the two families
in the middle of the beech forest
Every twenty-two I want

to touch them, tree by tree
warm myself to them
share in their strength

With you and someone else
I want to encircle them
breast to bark

Senses, to be touched
and to be able to touch, the difference
between being and not being

I touch, so I exist

If I am not touched
I will wither, but
if I do not touch, I do not exist

I can be a loner
touch plants and animals
to live on

I can influence their lives
change their future
I can feed, kill and everything

in between has effects too
even the smallest ripples
make a difference, that is existence

the way we want it, making a difference
making a little positive difference
with each wing beat

Staring at the light
it becomes night
in my eyes

Staring into the night
the nothing
is too big

just as the light is
too big, too dangerous
for my body

I have to stay in between
life is scattered
light, softened

by the force of weight
the mass in which there is room
for an incomprehensible amount of energy

the darkness of death
the still life in which life is
a miracle every day

Not a path, but an abyss
Cold wind, threatening clouds
It is inhospitable here

Diagonally in front of me
black leaves crunch open
Straight from the ground

Owls grow from them
they inflate themselves
thoughtful as they are

As if they could fly
they are close to the edge
to keep me from a false step

Behind me, I hear them
shrivel
When I look back quickly

the remnants pretend nothing
is going on, but if I do it calmy
they are completely gone

I know the names
and some pictures

of your friends, unfamiliarly
we would greet each other

there are no words
to share your wonder

We want to, but we can't
explain, we don't want to explain

because already while conceiving
every onset misses your essence

I have to accept
to be confused

struck
every time, and forever

you are wherever
on my mind

I am that woman
who takes a few steps and then
stands still in the wind
on her face, my skin

feels the world
new, the cherry trees
this walk to the store
on the corner around the corner

cars parked next to the sidewalk
are so much more than the view
of the windows all around, the gardens
chimneys and clouds, the wind

on my face, my heart
touched, pounding
in my throat, three times
I take a deep breath, only then

do I walk along the traffic
away from the cherry trees
to the store on the corner
around the corner

Are you my exercise
of feeling breath
in my body and feeling it
rise to a storm?

Am I your exercise
of listening, only
asking a question
when I dare not go on

to throw up fragments
of facts and confusion
in fits and starts
of silences

which you undergo
without comfort, without
getting closer, that close
you are already

confident
that I dare to
breathe deeply, cry
and go on

searching
in the dark
discovering
how I can?

Metamorphic body (Qiflow)
It does not need
me, no matter what
I do, leave and think


It is
It flows
or gathers


If I surrender
and let It go by Itself
without having to do anything


I become conscious of It
I experience It
thoughtlessly


soul in the Soul
flow with the Flow
a metamorphic body of It


I breathe and perceive
It, where It
does not flow It will flow

Suddenly it was different
the toggles turned over
and I was picked up

I brace myself, fallen through
something, a membrane
between order and overpower

Carry me away, I want heavens
of pastel and gray after the outings
in my room and in the hallway
not a dropped ceiling

Back home, in the light
of my own windows
between the plants, the pillar
and the post of pain

thinly covered with anxious dreams
in which I don't want to be snowed under
no matter how tight the ties squeeze

In pyjamas I suffer myself
clamping my cup in my hands
I won't let go

After jumping I learn
between tears and laughter
with steady partners
the silent steps

Sometimes I cry for later
always about bygone days
and their repetition
as if they have to be redone

Dancing I also think
about the pleasant things
that are not possible and
that I am released from

although I miss them
which I reconcile when I rest –
through an old crack
fantasy sneaks in

and there is what was

We see each other as heroes
and that helps, yes, I too
can be wise and skillful
in handling the energy of life

realizing that heroes too
are tired after their tours de force
– the life-size warding off
not-living

My parents started it
I sensed their fears
and discovered step by step
more and more for myself

what is unsafe
Sometimes I wait in a corner
for what might happen
encapsulating with love and down

what imposes itself
inside and outside of me
I let it go, let it flow on
I'm balancing in the force field

I want to be healthy
not anaesthetize anything and yet
live a carefree life as if
we always wake up again

It is not cosy
in my bodyhome, sweating
on the bed, I stretch out wide

to an X
(value unknown)
to cool down

but there is no wind
and the air is damp
with sorrow for my fate

and with fear that this is the last
I am able to sustain, that
thereafter, it will be too bad

(I'm not sure what –
  then again it is too dark
  then the light shines too bright)

I want space and breath
to fight, I am a fighter
in my head and my belly

I am surrounded there
constricted and suffocated
There is plenty of air

Why not for me?
I bear the stings
and the cramping

for the danger –
the gong rings
(for a new round)

The old people at the club
are cheerful and mobile
enough to come
Other elderly people are handicapped
at home in their physical discomfort

I sometimes fantasize that it is 2050
and I am sitting in an easy chair
imagining what it was like in the past

and that by a miracle I am
suddenly back in that time
again feeling 24 full hours a day
what life was like
in my 38-year-old body

in the light of later, of being half-sedated
painfully worn out, almost gone
from the life I cherish

in the middle of the Force again
that flows through my sorrow
and that shines as I pass it on
to people looking for it
and having found it as I have

My thoughts are coming
from the outside, not from the inside

They find their way
from my eyes, ears, nose, tongue
and hands to my brain
where they look for a place
among the perceptions

that came in earlier on
and together they give me an idea
who I am as their sum:
an empirical device
that remembers what it experiences

and sometimes feels good with it
satisfied, happy, glad
or angry, afraid, sad
just as it has learned
from the outside world

I think, therefore I am
able to tell the difference

between judgmental thoughts and
feelings, which lock me
in old experiences
when I'm angry again
afraid again, sad again

and feelings that connect me
with everything around me, and nothing
confines me
to the system of learned
thoughts and feelings